I am a Chinese-American follower of Jesus Christ. You can call me Grace. I am grateful to share with you a bit of my story. Specifically, what it is like to grow up experiencing same-sex attraction (SSA) within a Chinese family and the Chinese Christian community.
I remember the day very clearly. As a high school student struggling in my relationship with a girlfriend, a moment of realization hit me: I might be gay. Panic and disbelief washed over me. I was terrified. How could this be? I was raised in a Chinese Christian home with parents who loved the Lord. I had followed Jesus my entire life.
Looking back, I felt different growing up. I had a difficult relationship with my mother. Making friends with other girls was not easy for me. I longed for acceptance – for that special best friend; for deep emotional connection. At random moments, I would notice being physically attracted to some of my girlfriends. I would ask myself: “How can I feel this way towards another girl?”
During my teens and twenties, I had several female relationships that involved unhealthy emotional dependency. In one such relationship, my dependency reached a peak. Had there been reciprocation, it would have progressed to a sexual relationship. Instead, I was fortunate to have godly friends who loved the Lord; who knew healthy boundaries; and who loved me with Christ’s love. Jesus gave me strength and placed certain people in my path to help pull me out of these unhealthy relationships. I certainly could not have done it alone. I went into Christian counseling twice to deal with these matters head on.
Until recently, my sister, one trusted friend and my counselors were the only ones who knew. Homosexuality or SSA is not easily spoken about in the Christian community – let alone the Chinese Christian community. Chinese culture is much more reserved than Western culture. We are neither taught how, nor encouraged, to express emotions. Difficult emotions and personal struggles are typically kept to oneself.
Post Note: Join Grace tomorrow for the conclusion of her story. God bless you.
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